Meology

The other day my sister brought me some purple grapes that were sooooo juicy and sweet and really really good! She got them from somebody she works with, and wasn't sure what store they came from. So when I went to the store, I done something I never do! I started tasting grapes to see if the taste matched the ones she had. After three grocery stores, I was unsuccessful. But, it did remind me of this little story of how women are like apples and men are like grapes.

Some of the Why's and How's that come about in our life just make you wonder sometimes. As always, my personal comment on each statement is in the parenthesis at the end. Hope everyone enjoys.

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead? ( We are in denial and besides, it would take too much effort to change the batteries)
• Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?(Never understood this this one! They don't have to charge so much either!)
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? (Yea, like what am I? A Liar?)
• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? (May have something to do with air?)
• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? (Have to spend more of those tax dollars!)
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? (Ask Jane. Must be jungle magic)
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? (He's a big wuss!)
• We brush our "teeth" so why is it called a "toothbrush and not a "teethbrush' ?( No offense to all the hillbillies who actually do have only one tooth to brush)
• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? ( So you don't see their smashed brains)
• Whose bright idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? (LOL)
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? (Uh? so people can keep on evolving?)
• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? ( It's magic!)
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? (Yep! When I get ready to go buy a new one!)
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? (Isn't this classified as some sort of phobia or mental issue?)
• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? (Guilty I am)
• Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? (Because plastic bags are adult proof- ask a child to open it for you)
• How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? (maybe an idea for a science project?)
  
• When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That freakin' hurt! You stupid idiot?" (Because many times it is your spouse or kids that ram you!)
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? (Murphy's Law- let it fall!)
• In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? (Hmm?)
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? ( Good question! Surely there are some out there?)
• And my personal FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that ONE out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. (Now see, you didn't need to seek a doctor for that diagnosis!)
  

Below is the story of how one husband found out the hard way that sometimes, it is just best to go ahead and listen to your wife.

First of all, let's define marriage-Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is usually the husband.

When the lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something much more important to me than cutting grass.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was only gone a few short minutes. When I returned, I handed her a toothbrush.

Very puzzled, she annoyingly asked "And just exactly what is the toothbrush for?"

"Well!" I exclaimed, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you may as well go ahead and sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will eventually walk again, but I will always have a slight limp.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs playing in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I am gonna say something with the word hell and you say something with the word ass." The 4 year old agrees with much enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You will stay in there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"Uh, I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

They exists! Really they do. You will be shocked at some of the dumb laws that exist in our great states. I have went through and picked out some really good ones, while trying to stay in sync with the nature of this blog. However, some were just so freakin' dumb, I had to share. There are way too many to post, so if you would like to read more, just check out dumblaws for yourself where you can click on each state to view the laws. And while you are there, be sure to check out the dumb criminals section. Too damn awesome! These are the true idiots of our great country(and other countries too) at their best! I started with South Carolina because this is where I live. And according to some of our laws I am a criminal. Now, some of these laws must go way back, and have just never been modified or dropped, because in some states there are still laws from ancient times. Just so you know, we are all criminals and if some of these laws were actually enforced today, we would all be in jail!! My personal comments are in the parentheses and if anyone is offended by these, too damn bad!

Dumb laws:

• No work may be done on Sunday. (yippppeeee!!!)
  
• Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. (Dang! Where the hell else am I gonna put it?)
  
• It is illegal to give or receive oral sex in South Carolina. (I am definitely a criminal! After all, ain't this the way to a man's heart?)
  
• It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays. (I don't think this one is legal anymore???)
  

• All sex toys are banned. (For real? And sex stores are legal?)
  
• Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. (Ok, so where may we keep the humans?)
  
• No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. (Was someone actually seen doing this?Idiot!)
  

• Ministers are to be dedicated to God and therefore are not eligible to hold a seat in either House of the Legislature. (Is this suggesting that politicians are liars and crooks?)
  
• Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law. (Not enough room in jail for all the criminals)
  
• Driving is not to be done while asleep. (Wake up people! It's the law!)
  
• Interracial marriages are illegal. (Then why are priests and courthouses marrying them?)
  
• The definition of “dumb animal” includes every living creature. (SO! Now we are ALL freakin' dumb!)
  

• It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. (Spring break in Daytona must be an exception!)
  
• Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Someone had to actually be caught doing this for it to become illegal!)
  
• When having sex, only the missionary position is legal. (How boring!)
  
• You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM. (And just who is the fart officer that enforces this?)
  
• It is considered an offense to shower naked. (Offend me! Please!)
  
• Oral sex is illegal. (Wow! Is this a southern thing?)
  
• You may not kiss your wife’s breasts. (Yea! Whatever! They have breast police here too?)
  

• A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.
• Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.
• Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.
• It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.

• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. (The booger police live here?)
  
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men. ( So, this is where the law originated?)
  
• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (They can't be serious! Is there another way to drive???)
  

• When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. (This law exists in several states, am I missing something here? I just do NOT understand how this works???)
  
• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (Who's counting? The beer patrol?)
  
• Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos. (Does this include the sex stores that sell them?)
  
• A recently passed anti-crime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. (This is why the police here catch all the criminals!)
  
• Homosexual behavior is a misdemeanor offense. (So it is true that only steers and queers come from Texas!)
  

• Any person who commits adultery shall be fined at least twenty dollars. (Is incest the same as adultery?)
  
• It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs. (This state has serious problems! So, the internet videos ARE real!)
  
• Roadkill may be taken home for supper. (Not surprised about this one!)
  
• Whistling underwater is prohibited. (And this is done how?And it bothers whom?)
  

• If one is not married, it is illegal for him to have sexual relations. (State is full of criminals!)
  
• You may not have oral or anal sex. (There aren't enough jails in all the states put together for all these criminals!)
  
• Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary. (And who is the sex officer responsible for being the peeping tom to catch these criminals?)
  

• Too many to post about sex in this state, visit the website to check those out!

• In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
• In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
• In Idaho it is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
  
• In Marshalltown, Iowa, horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.
• Hunting camels is prohibited in Arizona.

• I had a NC Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ."Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ." Her response - click
• A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG!)
• I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)
• An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)
• An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM got to Chicago at 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very, very fast, and she bought that.
• A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing instead). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal) and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
• A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?"
• I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
• A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
• A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
• A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo , do you?" The reply - -"Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Some more ponderings to pass along. Everybody loves to read ponderings. These are statements that make you wonder and think about why things are the way the are. Just don't spend too much time "pondering" because your brain might explode from thinking too hard!! (Just Kidding)

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't the people from Holland called Holes?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker“?
• Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
• Why do the words “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
• Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 for one of those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE!
• Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, then why are there locks on the door?
• Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it on a ship by sea it is called cargo?
• OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Here are some things to ponder about:

• Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
• A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs. - (can anyone answer this one?)
• My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
• The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.(This is so true! Small town southern girls are the best! Yay Me!)
  
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat have become really good friends.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
• I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my jogging pants on fire!
  
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes.(This is true!)
• Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. (I am not so sure about this one, there are a few good men out there!)
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

Here are a few laws of sex, for those of you who need them. There are way too many to put in one post, but these are some of my favorites.

Laws of Sex:

• Sex has no calories. (Thank God!!!)
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex. (What I like to hear!)
  
• Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. (Sad, but true sometimes)
  
• Sex is dirty only if it's done right. (Hey! I must be doin' something right!)
  
• When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
• Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
• What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.(Mmmm?Maybe)
• Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
• Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. ( I have alot of experience on this one!)

Just passing along some funny stuff to my readers today. Hope everyone enjoys these:

• A rooster & a cat are walking over a bridge. The cat slips & falls in river. The rooster can’t stop laughing! What is the moral of the story? ------Wherever there’s a wet pussy, there’s a happy cock!
• *NEWSFLASH* Snow White has been chucked out of Disney Land. She was reported to have pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinocchio's face and shouted "LIE BASTARD LIE!"
• CUSTOMER NOTIFICATION!!!! As of August 1, 2008, Viagra will only be available by its chemical name, which was so appropriately named by the chemists who invented it. So please ask for “MYCOXAFLOPPIN” at your favorite pharmacy.
• Behind every SUCCESSFUL woman, there is a SATISFIED man, but behind every SATISFIED woman there is an EXHAUSTED man...
• When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
• CHINESE BUFFET MENU: **CHU SUM TWAT **SUCK MI PORK **LICK MI CLIT **TUNGSUM CHICK **GOO IN HAND **GULP SUM KUM **CHO KON IT*****ENJOY YOUR MEAL!*****

Listed below are actual scenarios that happened to real people. The "I" in each scenario does not refer to myself, but rather the person that actually told about each incident. The scary part is that these people are actually "walking among us" as you read this! Enjoy!

• I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charges. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
• I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one- get-one-free, ' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
• One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'
• While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
• I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'
• My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
• I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
• While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

Just in case my readers do not know, I have been widowed for over four years now. I am only a young 38 years old, but I do not guess I am ever too old to have a new boyfriend! But to my surprise, I have somehow managed to acquire five, yes five, new boyfriends! Let me tell you all about them:

The minute I wake up, Will Power so kindly helps me get out of bed.

Next, I go straight to see John.

Soon after, Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays most of the day. But because he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, he takes me from joint to joint.

And after such a busy day, I'm really tired and can’t wait to crawl into bed with Ben Gay.

One bright early morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were standing in line at a train station ticket counter. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and then amazingly watched as the three Southerners, for some reason, bought only one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Yankees.

'Watch and learn,' answered one of the Southern boys.

All six boarded the train and while the three Yankees sat down, the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please!' The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket. 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

'Watch and learn,' answered the three Southern boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.

The Southerner knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the Civil War.

I was absolutely stunned, shocked and in disbelief when I found out that anyone, yes anyone, can search for and view my driver's license online! It is bad enough that Google maps have stripped us of privacy in our homes, and now something as personal as your driver's license is easily accessible to anyone. Where have our privacy laws gone to? Isn't this violating some kind of constitutional law or right? Enough of my babbling! I know my readers just want the website address so they can see for themselves. And don't forget to check all your friends and family to see if theirs has been listed also. You will have the option to remove your listing from the database by a checkbox on the site. I will be writing my states lawmakers about this one!

Many people may not realize this, but your right foot is pretty intelligent. This is really cool and don't blame me if you get distracted for too long trying to work this one out! There is actually a way to solve this one, and my 17 year old daughter figured it out. Well, to tell the truth, the first time she done this, she didn't get it. Her foot did not change directions and the reason why is really very simple. Try it out and if you can't beat it, leave me a comment and I will reveal the solution.

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind.
And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times
to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!


1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off 
the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air
with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction!!!


I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it.
Make sure you pass this on to your friends...
They won't be able to believe it either!!!

The content within this post may be offensive to some people. If you are offended by stuff such as funny shit about sex, you should leave this site immediately and never come back!!! My hostility is in response to a negative review of my site by some old do-gooder woman that didn't have enough common sense to just leave my site but instead, chose to read much of my content. My true comment to this lady who said I should be ashamed of myself is "go get screwed lady!" It just may cure your old crabby ass! And just in case the ol' crab decides to visit again, this is for her!!!!!

This is a quick post from the political world:



Earlier today, the federal government announced that it is
changing its emblem from the Eagle to a condom because it
more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys
the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.



It just doesn't get more accurate than that!

I have been sick the past week and haven't done a very good job making posts. Last week was busy. My youngest daughter was in a school pageant. She won the title of "Miss 6th Grade" which had her excited all weekend. This was her first pageant. She told me she wasn't going to be like her older sister and do pageants, but her friends convinced her to participate in this one. My oldest is 17 and graduating high school this year. I still cannot figure out how the hell I ever got this damn old! LOL! I just graduated high school yesterday myself, so surely I can't already have a daughter graduating! (Just kidding! I graduated in 1987) I am very proud of her, she has really focused hard on her school work and tried to be the best she can be. She is graduating as valedictorian of her class and will be off to college in the fall. My husband(who died 4 years ago) would be so very proud of her. And in honor of my late husband, I would like to share a few funny signs that remind me of him.


The note reads:

"SOMEONE FROM THE
GYNA COLLEGES
CALLED.
THEY SAID THE
PABST BEER IS
NORMAL.

I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW YOU LIKED
BEER."

This week, I am going to try to make a few posts about me and daily things going on with me or my kids. Don't get me wrong, some of it will still be funny! After all, this blog is called "Meology" so I must write about myself sometime!! Until then, enjoy these unique questions and great answers!

Q:WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
A: because they are plugged into a genius
(this is why men NEED alot sex ladies!!!Ever hear the phrase "Behind every successful man, is a successful women"?? Be successful in pleasing your man. Amen.)

Q:WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
A: they do not have enough time-they will miss the main event

Q:WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
A: the freakin' idoits don't stop to ask directions

Q:WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
A: because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock
(You're laughing your ass off now, aren't you?!?!)

Q:WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
A: so they won't go around humping women's legs in public

Q:WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
A: because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
(No matter how many energizer bunny batteries you put in that jack rabbit vibrator,
it still won't mow the damn lawn!)

Q:WHY DO ONLY 10% OF MEN MAKE IT TO HEAVEN?
A: because if they all went, it would be Hell

My attention will be focused on one of my most popular blogs(The Spiral Staircase:Live Drug Free) for the next few days, but I will also try to post something here, no matter how small it may be. I am leaving my readers and fans a little something to wonder about. Please feel free to leave comments. I will not be giving you a solution to this scenario, but rather I am asking that if you would like to know the answer, please email me with your guess and I will give you the answer. Leaving a comment is fine, but I cannot respond to you without a return email. I will never share your email, promise. This is just for fun.

Imagine you are on a horse....................


You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off,
and on your left side is an elephant
traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo
and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion, running at the same speed as you
and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

On the first day, God created the dog and told him:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and told him:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and told him:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And once again, God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said unto him:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man replied: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, AND the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Today, I am coming to you as "The Hot Sex Fairy" to bring you some extremely valuable information concerning your sex life. Enjoy.

• Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
• Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
• Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
• Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
• Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
• The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
• Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium.
• Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
• Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
• A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Dieting is something that I am always doing unsuccessfully. "The Skinny Bitch" is a book by Rory Reedman and Kim Barnouin. It is straight and to the point. It is reality. It is the cold hard truth to why many people are fat. But it is also fun and entertaining to read. Below is an excerpt from the book. WARNING! Don't read if you can't handle it!

Ok. Use your head. You need to get healthy if you want to get skinny. Healthy = skinny. Unhealthy = fat. The first thing you need to do is give up your gross vices. Don't act surprised! You cannot keep eating the same shit and expect to get skinny. Or smoke. So don't even try some pathetic excuse like, "But if I quit smoking, I'll gain weight." No one wants to hear it. Cigarettes are for losers. They are so 1989 and totally uncool. Not only do they screw up your whole body chemistry, but they also kill your taste buds. It's no wonder you eat shit and garbage. Smoking's out. Give it up. Of course it's easier to socialize after you've had a few drinks. But being a fat pig will hinder you, sober or drunk. And habitual drinking equals fat-pig syndrome. Beer is for frat boys, not skinny bitches. It makes you fat, bloated, and farty. Why do you think when kids go away to college they gain the "freshman fifteen"? Beer, duh. Alcohol isn't any better. It raises the level of hydrochloric acid in your stomach, wreking havoc on the digestive process. If you suffer from poor digesting, then your food will not pass through your body properly. Hence, bloated fat-pig syndrome. To make matters worse, some alcohol (and non-organic wines) still contains urethane, a cancer-causing chemical. To boot both beer and alcohol jack up your blood-sugar levels, which is bad for your bod. And don't kid yourself: When you have a hangover, you're bound to eat shit all day long. Trade your booze for organic red wind produced without sulfites. (Sulfites are additives-used in food and wine--to extend shelf life and fight bacteria growth. Asthma and allergic reactions can be triggered by sulfites. Even if wine is organic, that doesn't mean it is produced without sulfites. Read the label; it should say "No Sulfites Added" or "NSA". Frey Vineards makes organic, sulfite-free wines.) This magical elixir-organic red wine with NSA--is rich in cancer fighiting antioxidants, can reduce risk of stroke, helps thin the blood, and has flavonoids, which lower cholesterol. Yes, organic red wine is good for you. No, you should not dringk a bottle by yourself every day. Alcohol abuse can cause infertility, cancer, infectious diseases, cardiovascular diesase, shrinking of the cerebreal cortex, and alter brain-cell function. If you need help quitting drinking, call the Alcoholics Anonymous World Headquarters at (212) 870-3400 to find an AA meeting near you, or visit www.alcoholic-anonymous.org. Brace yourselves, girls: Soda is liquid Satan. It is the devil. It is garbage. There is nothing in soda that should be put into your body. For starters, soda's high levels of phosphorous can increase calcium loss from the body, as can its sodium and caffeine. You know what this means--bone loss, which may lead to osteoporosis. And the last time we checked, sugar, found in soda by the boatload, does not make you skinny! Now don't go patting youself on the back if you drink diet soda. That stuff is even worse. Aspartame (an ingredient commonly found in diet sodas and other sugar-free foods) has been blamed for a slew of scary maladies, like arthritis, birth defects, fibromyalgia, Hlzheimer's, lupus, multiple sclerosis, and diabetes. When methyl alcohol, a component of aspartame, enters your body, it turns into formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is toxic and carcinogenic (cancer-causing). Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant orpreservative. They don't fucking drink it. Perhaps you have a lumpy ass because you are preserving your fat cells with diet soda. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has received more complaints about aspartame than any other ingredient to date. Want more bad news? When aspartame is paired with carbs, it causes your brain to slow down its production of serotonin. A healthy level of serotonin is needed to be happy and well balanced. So drinking soda can make you fat, sick, and unhappy. Unless you're from Mars, you've heard about the "eight glasses of water a day" thing. If you're filling up on 16 ounces of liquid Satan at a time, chances are you're not getting your 64 ounces of water a day. Water is vital for keeping your body clean and detoxified. It literally flushes out all the shit and toxins your body stores from your horrendous diet. You might be fat because you don't poop enough. Drinking lots of water can help with the elimination process. If the taste of water bores you, try jazzing up the flavor with a slice of lemon or lime, or if you're feeling sassy, toss in a strawberry or raspberry. Say goodbye to soda and hello to a sweet ass.
"Don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee." Uhm...pathetic! Coffee is for pussies. Think about how widely accepted it has b ecome that people need coffee to wake up. If you can't wake up without it, it's either because you are either addicted to caffeine, sleep deprived, or a generally unhealthy slob. It may seem like the end of the world to give up your daily dose, especially if you rely on Starbucks as a good place to meet men. Bit it's not heroin, girls, and you'll learn to live without it. Caffeine can cause headaches, digestive problesm, irritation of the stomach and bladder, peptic ulcers, diarrhea, constipation, fatigue, anxiety, and depression. It affects every organ system, frome the nervous system to the skin. Caffeine raises stress hormone levels, inhibits importan enzyme systems that are responsible for cleaning the body, and sensitizes nerve reception sites. One study even links caffeine to an increased susceptibility to diabetes. Bud don't go grabbing for the decaf. Coffee, whether regular or decaf, is highly acidic. Acidic foods cause your body to produce fat cells, in order to keep the acid away from your organs. So coffee equals fat cells. P.S. It also makes your breathsmell like ass. Furthermore, coffee beans, like other crops, are grown with chemical pesticides. One insecticide, D-D-7, has been banned in the United States, but is still used by other countries from which we import coffee beans. So every single morning, you are starting your day with a dose of poison. Add sugar or other artificial sweeteners, top it off with milk or cream, and you'll be fat forever. If you enjoy an occasional cup of coffee, fine. But if you need it, give it up.

Buy this book at Amazon by clicking the picture


OR
You May Purchase At Books-A-Million
THE SKINNY BITCH

The posts I make to my blog are never intended to offend anyone. Most of the stuff I post is just for laughs. Sometimes, reality can generate many laughs. I live in the south(USA) and I am a small town southern girl. And yes, I have a southern accent. And I am damn proud of it! Some find it cute, some find it annoying, and well, some just don't know what to think! Every city has a ghetto. People from many walks of life may live or may have grown up in a "ghetto" more than likely not by choice. The following is a ghetto spelling bee. These are terms you may hear in the ghetto. Or heck, you may even here them on Jeff Foxworthy. If you do not comprehend the meaning of any of the word, please leave me a comment and I will translate for you. Although I did not grow up in the ghetto, southern slang is just a part of life in the south, and some of this may be considered as such. Hope you enjoy and don't forget to laugh!

Do you know what happens to your money transactions through PayPal? What do you think about the E-Bay boycott or did you even know there was one this past week? Many sellers decided to boycott E-Bay due to new fee and policy changes that were recently implemented. One of the biggest concerns is that even though E-bay reduced listing fees, they increased final value sales fees. It is just like the government. They always claim they are lowering taxes, but they increase taxes in another area to make up for it. For example, in my state(SC), this year some of us were fortunate enough to have our property taxes lowered. This saved me about a hundred bucks on my home property taxes. However, the tax on food increased, so the government will get their money back. After all, you have all the people who rent and do not have to pay property taxes (except on vehicles)that buy groceries and have to pay the higher tax. It all evens out in the long run. And the internet giants are no different. Besides the E-Bay boycott, do you know what PayPal does with your money? Along the same lines, because many transactions through E-bay are handled by Paypal, they want to make as much profit as they can and they too have some new changes that customers are upset about. Next month, some new controversial changes will be rolled out. PayPal will hold "high risk transactions" for up to 21 days. Why so long? Because they earn interest on those payments and the longer they hold money in their account, the more interest they profit from. So one has to decide for themselves if a boycott is worth the trouble. How much investment a person has in their E-bay store(my ebay store) and are the profits worth the extra fees or worth having to wait for payment through Paypal. Some sellers have already moved to other sites. Below are articles you can read to find out more about this "scandal" that will probably get alot more attention in the near future.

TEQUILA CAKE....YUMMY!

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the tequila again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup
and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still
OK.
Try another cup... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.
Floor the friggen fried druit off up the pick.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
loose
with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, salt two cups of sift. Or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
No wait..shtrain the lemon juice and shift your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.


Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not
to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner!!
Finally, throw the friggin' bowl through the window.


Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

Last week, I baked a cake. Many people are probably thinking so what, who cares, people bake cakes everyday. Well, first of all, my name isn't Betty Crocker and I sure as hell ain't married to Duncan Hines. My baked goods usually come from the local grocery store bakery. Walmart, among other stores, do a pretty good job baking cakes and all the other good stuff that fattens you up. Back to my cake. I decided to bake a red velvet cake for a family member's birthday. We (me and my daughter) baked 8 layers for this cake, but only 6 of them would fit in the cake dome. All in all, it came out very good and my daughter was shocked! She actually liked it along with everybody else. Ha!!!! So I can bake thanks to Betty and Duncan! I use to think my mom was the best cook ever, until I grew up and started cooking myself. My mom is still great at baking though! A few weeks ago, she sent me a picture of a cupcake she made. A gigantic cupcake. Now, I guess my mind works and thinks just a bit differently than hers, but her gigantic cupcake looks a little explicit to me! And to top it off, she then tells me that she filled the middle of this masterpiece with "cream cheese pudding" of all things! Still laughing my ass off on this one!

Mom's version of a cupcake and then MY vision of it!

This is for all the ladies! Below is a letter written to tech support about the troubles of installing a husband. If you are a computer junkie, you will understand the whole thing. If you are not a computer junkie, skip over this post and go on to the next one. It is funny too.

• People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
• People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
• When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
• When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
• When people say while watching a movie "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
• People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
• When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
• When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
• When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Just about everyone has that favorite usually funny t-shirt they like to wear. For many, it is more than likely a shirt with a humorous saying on it. What does your favorite t-shirt say on it? Mine is a brown t-shirt that has this saying:


Would you like to create your own funny t-shirt? ShirtCity offers a chance for customers to create their own shirts, hats, jackets, underwear, items for children and babies, gifts, accessories and sportswear. You can add text or images to create your own unique style. Check out all the options at ShirtCity to learn how you can personally create your style and stand out in the crowd. Everyone will want to know where you got your shirt from!

We all know dieting is hard and in my last post I talked about losing weight. Sometimes we need a little inspiration and sometimes we need a little comedy. Here are a few dieting tips that I wish were true, but this is too funny not to share. Please be aware, these are, of course, not real tips for dieting, but instead is an alternative to dieting.