Meology

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to really cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

This is just too funny! Hopefully this was being recorded and was not live tv. I more than likely feel the same about his "neck of the woods" as he does mine!!!

Eleven people were being rescued from a flood by a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The pilot and rescuers underestimated the strength of the rope they were using to pull people out of the water. With all eleven people hanging onto the rope, it became apparent that it was too much weight for the rope to handle and so it was decided that at least one person would have to let go. They weren't able to choose that person, after all nobody wanted to let go. Then the woman suddenly started giving a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. She stated she had been the best wife she could be, allowing her husband nights out with boys, always having a great meal cooked when he gets home from work, providing as much sex and blowjobs as any man could ever want, being the best mother to her kids as possible, and that her work here on earth was done. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping ...... IDIOTS!

 The following is some advice from the more experienced on life from a very wise retired man. If you are a man, of any age, you should take this advice seriously.
 It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

__________________________________________
This letter was written to a newspaper by a man named Ron:

 My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the retirement situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club at about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Ron


QUICK EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his a$$, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
_________________________________________

Hope you all enjoyed this one! I did!

A man walked into the ladies department of a large department store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The sales lady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally bewildered, the man asked about the differences between them.

The sales lady responded, "It is all really quite simple... "

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and up right.

And....

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

(He chose the Baptist!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? Well, just in case you haven't yet figured out what the letters stand for, it is about time you became informed!


{A} Almost Boobs.

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H}Somebody help me!! I've fallen and I can't get up !

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself. So the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... '

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Yep! It's fer real! This one ain't NO joke! But I just had to share this one with my readers! There really is a Redneck Bank! Even though they do not have branches in every state, you can still open an account online. The motto of the bank is "Where Bankin's Funner" and the visa check card is hilarious. Even if you are not interested in opening an account, check out the site. Scroll your mouse over the horse and different sayings will pop up. And don't forget the stuff on the left sidebar, they all make noises too. SO, why would someone even want an account at this bank? Well, first of all, they are FDIC insured and they have a 5.25% APY on Rewards Checking Account. (This means you EARN money!!!!) They also offer a Mega Money Market Saving Account and the You're Approved Checking Account. Just go to the site and click on each one to read all the benfits and requirements. It only takes $1 to open an account, but if you are thinking about applying, I must tell you that from reading some of the forums, people will get rejected if they are in a ChexSystem. This is a system that keeps track of bounced and bad checks. Well y'all, guess that's all fer now. Go on, go check out the bank- ya know ya wanna!

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young handsome new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room in tears and ran down the hallway screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. The doctor then marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room."What the heck is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Happy New Year! After taking some time off from my blogs for the holidays, I guess it is high time I start posting again before my loyal readers ditch me! Hope everyone had a great holiday season and without further adue, here is my first post of 2009!