Meology

Dieting is something that I am always doing unsuccessfully. "The Skinny Bitch" is a book by Rory Reedman and Kim Barnouin. It is straight and to the point. It is reality. It is the cold hard truth to why many people are fat. But it is also fun and entertaining to read. Below is an excerpt from the book. WARNING! Don't read if you can't handle it!

Ok. Use your head. You need to get healthy if you want to get skinny. Healthy = skinny. Unhealthy = fat. The first thing you need to do is give up your gross vices. Don't act surprised! You cannot keep eating the same shit and expect to get skinny. Or smoke. So don't even try some pathetic excuse like, "But if I quit smoking, I'll gain weight." No one wants to hear it. Cigarettes are for losers. They are so 1989 and totally uncool. Not only do they screw up your whole body chemistry, but they also kill your taste buds. It's no wonder you eat shit and garbage. Smoking's out. Give it up. Of course it's easier to socialize after you've had a few drinks. But being a fat pig will hinder you, sober or drunk. And habitual drinking equals fat-pig syndrome. Beer is for frat boys, not skinny bitches. It makes you fat, bloated, and farty. Why do you think when kids go away to college they gain the "freshman fifteen"? Beer, duh. Alcohol isn't any better. It raises the level of hydrochloric acid in your stomach, wreking havoc on the digestive process. If you suffer from poor digesting, then your food will not pass through your body properly. Hence, bloated fat-pig syndrome. To make matters worse, some alcohol (and non-organic wines) still contains urethane, a cancer-causing chemical. To boot both beer and alcohol jack up your blood-sugar levels, which is bad for your bod. And don't kid yourself: When you have a hangover, you're bound to eat shit all day long. Trade your booze for organic red wind produced without sulfites. (Sulfites are additives-used in food and wine--to extend shelf life and fight bacteria growth. Asthma and allergic reactions can be triggered by sulfites. Even if wine is organic, that doesn't mean it is produced without sulfites. Read the label; it should say "No Sulfites Added" or "NSA". Frey Vineards makes organic, sulfite-free wines.) This magical elixir-organic red wine with NSA--is rich in cancer fighiting antioxidants, can reduce risk of stroke, helps thin the blood, and has flavonoids, which lower cholesterol. Yes, organic red wine is good for you. No, you should not dringk a bottle by yourself every day. Alcohol abuse can cause infertility, cancer, infectious diseases, cardiovascular diesase, shrinking of the cerebreal cortex, and alter brain-cell function. If you need help quitting drinking, call the Alcoholics Anonymous World Headquarters at (212) 870-3400 to find an AA meeting near you, or visit www.alcoholic-anonymous.org. Brace yourselves, girls: Soda is liquid Satan. It is the devil. It is garbage. There is nothing in soda that should be put into your body. For starters, soda's high levels of phosphorous can increase calcium loss from the body, as can its sodium and caffeine. You know what this means--bone loss, which may lead to osteoporosis. And the last time we checked, sugar, found in soda by the boatload, does not make you skinny! Now don't go patting youself on the back if you drink diet soda. That stuff is even worse. Aspartame (an ingredient commonly found in diet sodas and other sugar-free foods) has been blamed for a slew of scary maladies, like arthritis, birth defects, fibromyalgia, Hlzheimer's, lupus, multiple sclerosis, and diabetes. When methyl alcohol, a component of aspartame, enters your body, it turns into formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is toxic and carcinogenic (cancer-causing). Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant orpreservative. They don't fucking drink it. Perhaps you have a lumpy ass because you are preserving your fat cells with diet soda. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has received more complaints about aspartame than any other ingredient to date. Want more bad news? When aspartame is paired with carbs, it causes your brain to slow down its production of serotonin. A healthy level of serotonin is needed to be happy and well balanced. So drinking soda can make you fat, sick, and unhappy. Unless you're from Mars, you've heard about the "eight glasses of water a day" thing. If you're filling up on 16 ounces of liquid Satan at a time, chances are you're not getting your 64 ounces of water a day. Water is vital for keeping your body clean and detoxified. It literally flushes out all the shit and toxins your body stores from your horrendous diet. You might be fat because you don't poop enough. Drinking lots of water can help with the elimination process. If the taste of water bores you, try jazzing up the flavor with a slice of lemon or lime, or if you're feeling sassy, toss in a strawberry or raspberry. Say goodbye to soda and hello to a sweet ass.
"Don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee." Uhm...pathetic! Coffee is for pussies. Think about how widely accepted it has b ecome that people need coffee to wake up. If you can't wake up without it, it's either because you are either addicted to caffeine, sleep deprived, or a generally unhealthy slob. It may seem like the end of the world to give up your daily dose, especially if you rely on Starbucks as a good place to meet men. Bit it's not heroin, girls, and you'll learn to live without it. Caffeine can cause headaches, digestive problesm, irritation of the stomach and bladder, peptic ulcers, diarrhea, constipation, fatigue, anxiety, and depression. It affects every organ system, frome the nervous system to the skin. Caffeine raises stress hormone levels, inhibits importan enzyme systems that are responsible for cleaning the body, and sensitizes nerve reception sites. One study even links caffeine to an increased susceptibility to diabetes. Bud don't go grabbing for the decaf. Coffee, whether regular or decaf, is highly acidic. Acidic foods cause your body to produce fat cells, in order to keep the acid away from your organs. So coffee equals fat cells. P.S. It also makes your breathsmell like ass. Furthermore, coffee beans, like other crops, are grown with chemical pesticides. One insecticide, D-D-7, has been banned in the United States, but is still used by other countries from which we import coffee beans. So every single morning, you are starting your day with a dose of poison. Add sugar or other artificial sweeteners, top it off with milk or cream, and you'll be fat forever. If you enjoy an occasional cup of coffee, fine. But if you need it, give it up.

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THE SKINNY BITCH

The posts I make to my blog are never intended to offend anyone. Most of the stuff I post is just for laughs. Sometimes, reality can generate many laughs. I live in the south(USA) and I am a small town southern girl. And yes, I have a southern accent. And I am damn proud of it! Some find it cute, some find it annoying, and well, some just don't know what to think! Every city has a ghetto. People from many walks of life may live or may have grown up in a "ghetto" more than likely not by choice. The following is a ghetto spelling bee. These are terms you may hear in the ghetto. Or heck, you may even here them on Jeff Foxworthy. If you do not comprehend the meaning of any of the word, please leave me a comment and I will translate for you. Although I did not grow up in the ghetto, southern slang is just a part of life in the south, and some of this may be considered as such. Hope you enjoy and don't forget to laugh!

Do you know what happens to your money transactions through PayPal? What do you think about the E-Bay boycott or did you even know there was one this past week? Many sellers decided to boycott E-Bay due to new fee and policy changes that were recently implemented. One of the biggest concerns is that even though E-bay reduced listing fees, they increased final value sales fees. It is just like the government. They always claim they are lowering taxes, but they increase taxes in another area to make up for it. For example, in my state(SC), this year some of us were fortunate enough to have our property taxes lowered. This saved me about a hundred bucks on my home property taxes. However, the tax on food increased, so the government will get their money back. After all, you have all the people who rent and do not have to pay property taxes (except on vehicles)that buy groceries and have to pay the higher tax. It all evens out in the long run. And the internet giants are no different. Besides the E-Bay boycott, do you know what PayPal does with your money? Along the same lines, because many transactions through E-bay are handled by Paypal, they want to make as much profit as they can and they too have some new changes that customers are upset about. Next month, some new controversial changes will be rolled out. PayPal will hold "high risk transactions" for up to 21 days. Why so long? Because they earn interest on those payments and the longer they hold money in their account, the more interest they profit from. So one has to decide for themselves if a boycott is worth the trouble. How much investment a person has in their E-bay store(my ebay store) and are the profits worth the extra fees or worth having to wait for payment through Paypal. Some sellers have already moved to other sites. Below are articles you can read to find out more about this "scandal" that will probably get alot more attention in the near future.

TEQUILA CAKE....YUMMY!

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the tequila again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup
and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still
OK.
Try another cup... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.
Floor the friggen fried druit off up the pick.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
loose
with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, salt two cups of sift. Or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
No wait..shtrain the lemon juice and shift your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.


Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not
to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner!!
Finally, throw the friggin' bowl through the window.


Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

Last week, I baked a cake. Many people are probably thinking so what, who cares, people bake cakes everyday. Well, first of all, my name isn't Betty Crocker and I sure as hell ain't married to Duncan Hines. My baked goods usually come from the local grocery store bakery. Walmart, among other stores, do a pretty good job baking cakes and all the other good stuff that fattens you up. Back to my cake. I decided to bake a red velvet cake for a family member's birthday. We (me and my daughter) baked 8 layers for this cake, but only 6 of them would fit in the cake dome. All in all, it came out very good and my daughter was shocked! She actually liked it along with everybody else. Ha!!!! So I can bake thanks to Betty and Duncan! I use to think my mom was the best cook ever, until I grew up and started cooking myself. My mom is still great at baking though! A few weeks ago, she sent me a picture of a cupcake she made. A gigantic cupcake. Now, I guess my mind works and thinks just a bit differently than hers, but her gigantic cupcake looks a little explicit to me! And to top it off, she then tells me that she filled the middle of this masterpiece with "cream cheese pudding" of all things! Still laughing my ass off on this one!

Mom's version of a cupcake and then MY vision of it!

This is for all the ladies! Below is a letter written to tech support about the troubles of installing a husband. If you are a computer junkie, you will understand the whole thing. If you are not a computer junkie, skip over this post and go on to the next one. It is funny too.

• People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
• People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
• When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
• When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
• When people say while watching a movie "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
• People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
• When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
• When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
• When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Just about everyone has that favorite usually funny t-shirt they like to wear. For many, it is more than likely a shirt with a humorous saying on it. What does your favorite t-shirt say on it? Mine is a brown t-shirt that has this saying:


Would you like to create your own funny t-shirt? ShirtCity offers a chance for customers to create their own shirts, hats, jackets, underwear, items for children and babies, gifts, accessories and sportswear. You can add text or images to create your own unique style. Check out all the options at ShirtCity to learn how you can personally create your style and stand out in the crowd. Everyone will want to know where you got your shirt from!

We all know dieting is hard and in my last post I talked about losing weight. Sometimes we need a little inspiration and sometimes we need a little comedy. Here are a few dieting tips that I wish were true, but this is too funny not to share. Please be aware, these are, of course, not real tips for dieting, but instead is an alternative to dieting.

Hard to believe another year has come and gone. I guess I didn't eat enough green on last New Year's Day because 2007 was filled with financial burdens and I didn't win the lottery like I was supposed to so I couldn't pay off all my debts. Guess I will keep trying on the lottery thing . Hell, I just may get lucky one day. I have already set some New Year's resolutions for myself. The first is to lose weight. That is usually high on the agenda for many people, but right now it is my main priority. And yes, I am overweight. I am not one who is anorexic skinny and still thinks I am fat. I am just fat. A condition linked to marriage and kids. I thought that after my husband died, I would lose weight easily because he was no longer here to cook meals everyday. I was wrong. I have put on weight and I think it is due to some depression. I miss my husband greatly and stress has taken its toll on me. Last year, I dieted and lost weight. I lost 40 pounds and was at my lowest I had been in years. But a very stressful year and having to eat out alot, I gained all of it back plus some. Now, I am not blaming anyone but myself for this. I am going to have to put my foot down once and for all and lose the weight. There are three things that helped me to lose weight last year. The first being NutriSystem. This is a great program and it works. Even if you do cheat occasionally. It can be costly, but you have figure what would you spend on food for yourself every month anyway. When you have a family it is harder because you have to buy enough for family meals, and if you see NutriSystem as a burden on your finances as I did, there are other ways. Counting calories was the biggest contributing fact to my weight loss after I stopped NutriSystem. Setting a goal based how many calories you normally take in a day can make a tremendous impact on your success. For me, I set my calorie intake at 1800 per day and wrote down everything I ate in a log book. Believe it or not, this is a great and simple system. My cousin told me about a site called "fitday" which helps you keep track of what you are eating and tracks calories for you. I like the site so far, and the best part is it's FREE! Check it out. If it doesn't have what you are looking for, just search Google. You can find anything using search engines.

Dogs, cats and birds can make for a very amusing time around your home. I love all three of these animals, but the newest addition is the dog which hasn't made the cat very happy. My cat's name is "Miss Kitty" and she has got to be the best and funniest cat ever. She acts more like a dog and I truly believe she was a dog in a past life. When she sneezes, it sounds like a bark. And she will play fetch. She likes to play with strands of necklace beads. If you throw them, she will go and pick them up in her mouth and drag them back to you. The new dog is a shih tzu and an inside dog that was given to my daughter for her birthday. We have two dogs that stay outside and I really like to keep it that way. So far, the dog and the cat are not getting along. The cat has resorted to hiding in my room and not coming out. I can only hope they will learn how to get along or the dog will have to go. And then it will be just the cat and the bird again. Unless I get rid of that stupid bird first. I cannot believe that bird is still alive. My daughter was given this bird for her birthday two years ago. She got bored one day and decided it would funny to shove the cat inside the cage with the bird. Lots of commotion there, but I let the bird out the top and all was safe. Exactly what is the life expectancy of a parakeet anyway? I had several parakeets when I was young and I am sure that none of them lived more than about three months in our house. I recall one we had that committed suicide by flying into our piano, which had shelves with mirrors on it. Stupid bird anyway. We used to have to catch him in a brown paper bag if he got loose and that was always fun! My dad had one that he taught to say "hello turkey" whenever someone walked in the door and that crazy bird drank beer. Maybe I should give my bird to my dad. I am tired of cleaning up feathers off the carpet. And the excitement continues.

Ever since my husband died nearly four years ago, I have had dreams on occasion in which I actually felt his arms holding me while I was asleep. The thing is that it all seems so real. This morning was the most intense "dream" yet. I have a hard time distinguishing between reality and dreaming when it comes to my late husband. I was caught between the awake stage and the sleep stage this morning and not knowing what was real and what wasn't. I remember opening my eyes and just as plain as it was daylight, I felt my husband rub his face against mine and I saw his arm over me. I have had many of these episodes, but this one left me shaken. I know now that most of it was a dream because I had to force myself to wake up and realize it wasn't real. Or was it? I can't help but wonder how many people have had these same type of experiences after losing a spouse or a loved one. I believe there are many more skeptics than there are believers when it comes to a subject such as this. My husband died at home of a massive heart attack at the age of 42. He died in our bed, the same one I still sleep in every night. I recall about two months after his death, I went out with some friends and had a few too many drinks. My sister was staying with my kids and after I got home and got in bed, I laid my hand on the bed and I felt a heartbeat on the mattress. I may have been a little drunk, but my sister was sleeping in the bed with me that night and she felt it too. I am not sure how I feel about my experiences, but I am thankful that his spirit isn't one that would try to torture me for wrongdoing. I always feel him when I am sleeping though, so maybe they really are just nothing more than dreams. I have written several poems dedicated to my late husband. "The Weeping Widow" was the first one I wrote after his death, but there are many more poems I have written, even one for my two girls called "Little Angels" which talks about the joy of becoming a parent. Visit Heart-A-Chokes to read all my poetry.