Meology

Happy New Year! After taking some time off from my blogs for the holidays, I guess it is high time I start posting again before my loyal readers ditch me! Hope everyone had a great holiday season and without further adue, here is my first post of 2009!

The other day my sister brought me some purple grapes that were sooooo juicy and sweet and really really good! She got them from somebody she works with, and wasn't sure what store they came from. So when I went to the store, I done something I never do! I started tasting grapes to see if the taste matched the ones she had. After three grocery stores, I was unsuccessful. But, it did remind me of this little story of how women are like apples and men are like grapes.

Some of the Why's and How's that come about in our life just make you wonder sometimes. As always, my personal comment on each statement is in the parenthesis at the end. Hope everyone enjoys.

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead? ( We are in denial and besides, it would take too much effort to change the batteries)
• Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?(Never understood this this one! They don't have to charge so much either!)
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? (Yea, like what am I? A Liar?)
• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? (May have something to do with air?)
• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? (Have to spend more of those tax dollars!)
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? (Ask Jane. Must be jungle magic)
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? (He's a big wuss!)
• We brush our "teeth" so why is it called a "toothbrush and not a "teethbrush' ?( No offense to all the hillbillies who actually do have only one tooth to brush)
• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? ( So you don't see their smashed brains)
• Whose bright idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? (LOL)
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? (Uh? so people can keep on evolving?)
• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? ( It's magic!)
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? (Yep! When I get ready to go buy a new one!)
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? (Isn't this classified as some sort of phobia or mental issue?)
• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? (Guilty I am)
• Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? (Because plastic bags are adult proof- ask a child to open it for you)
• How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? (maybe an idea for a science project?)
  
• When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That freakin' hurt! You stupid idiot?" (Because many times it is your spouse or kids that ram you!)
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? (Murphy's Law- let it fall!)
• In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? (Hmm?)
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? ( Good question! Surely there are some out there?)
• And my personal FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that ONE out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. (Now see, you didn't need to seek a doctor for that diagnosis!)
  

Below is the story of how one husband found out the hard way that sometimes, it is just best to go ahead and listen to your wife.

First of all, let's define marriage-Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is usually the husband.

When the lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something much more important to me than cutting grass.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was only gone a few short minutes. When I returned, I handed her a toothbrush.

Very puzzled, she annoyingly asked "And just exactly what is the toothbrush for?"

"Well!" I exclaimed, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you may as well go ahead and sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will eventually walk again, but I will always have a slight limp.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs playing in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I am gonna say something with the word hell and you say something with the word ass." The 4 year old agrees with much enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You will stay in there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"Uh, I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

They exists! Really they do. You will be shocked at some of the dumb laws that exist in our great states. I have went through and picked out some really good ones, while trying to stay in sync with the nature of this blog. However, some were just so freakin' dumb, I had to share. There are way too many to post, so if you would like to read more, just check out dumblaws for yourself where you can click on each state to view the laws. And while you are there, be sure to check out the dumb criminals section. Too damn awesome! These are the true idiots of our great country(and other countries too) at their best! I started with South Carolina because this is where I live. And according to some of our laws I am a criminal. Now, some of these laws must go way back, and have just never been modified or dropped, because in some states there are still laws from ancient times. Just so you know, we are all criminals and if some of these laws were actually enforced today, we would all be in jail!! My personal comments are in the parentheses and if anyone is offended by these, too damn bad!

Dumb laws:

• No work may be done on Sunday. (yippppeeee!!!)
  
• Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. (Dang! Where the hell else am I gonna put it?)
  
• It is illegal to give or receive oral sex in South Carolina. (I am definitely a criminal! After all, ain't this the way to a man's heart?)
  
• It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays. (I don't think this one is legal anymore???)
  

• All sex toys are banned. (For real? And sex stores are legal?)
  
• Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. (Ok, so where may we keep the humans?)
  
• No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. (Was someone actually seen doing this?Idiot!)
  

• Ministers are to be dedicated to God and therefore are not eligible to hold a seat in either House of the Legislature. (Is this suggesting that politicians are liars and crooks?)
  
• Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law. (Not enough room in jail for all the criminals)
  
• Driving is not to be done while asleep. (Wake up people! It's the law!)
  
• Interracial marriages are illegal. (Then why are priests and courthouses marrying them?)
  
• The definition of “dumb animal” includes every living creature. (SO! Now we are ALL freakin' dumb!)
  

• It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. (Spring break in Daytona must be an exception!)
  
• Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Someone had to actually be caught doing this for it to become illegal!)
  
• When having sex, only the missionary position is legal. (How boring!)
  
• You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM. (And just who is the fart officer that enforces this?)
  
• It is considered an offense to shower naked. (Offend me! Please!)
  
• Oral sex is illegal. (Wow! Is this a southern thing?)
  
• You may not kiss your wife’s breasts. (Yea! Whatever! They have breast police here too?)
  

• A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.
• Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.
• Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.
• It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.

• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. (The booger police live here?)
  
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men. ( So, this is where the law originated?)
  
• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (They can't be serious! Is there another way to drive???)
  

• When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. (This law exists in several states, am I missing something here? I just do NOT understand how this works???)
  
• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (Who's counting? The beer patrol?)
  
• Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos. (Does this include the sex stores that sell them?)
  
• A recently passed anti-crime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. (This is why the police here catch all the criminals!)
  
• Homosexual behavior is a misdemeanor offense. (So it is true that only steers and queers come from Texas!)
  

• Any person who commits adultery shall be fined at least twenty dollars. (Is incest the same as adultery?)
  
• It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs. (This state has serious problems! So, the internet videos ARE real!)
  
• Roadkill may be taken home for supper. (Not surprised about this one!)
  
• Whistling underwater is prohibited. (And this is done how?And it bothers whom?)
  

• If one is not married, it is illegal for him to have sexual relations. (State is full of criminals!)
  
• You may not have oral or anal sex. (There aren't enough jails in all the states put together for all these criminals!)
  
• Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary. (And who is the sex officer responsible for being the peeping tom to catch these criminals?)
  

• Too many to post about sex in this state, visit the website to check those out!

• In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
• In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
• In Idaho it is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
  
• In Marshalltown, Iowa, horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.
• Hunting camels is prohibited in Arizona.

• I had a NC Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ."Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ." Her response - click
• A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG!)
• I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)
• An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)
• An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM got to Chicago at 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very, very fast, and she bought that.
• A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing instead). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal) and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
• A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?"
• I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
• A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
• A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
• A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo , do you?" The reply - -"Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Some more ponderings to pass along. Everybody loves to read ponderings. These are statements that make you wonder and think about why things are the way the are. Just don't spend too much time "pondering" because your brain might explode from thinking too hard!! (Just Kidding)

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't the people from Holland called Holes?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker“?
• Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
• Why do the words “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
• Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 for one of those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE!
• Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, then why are there locks on the door?
• Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it on a ship by sea it is called cargo?
• OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Here are some things to ponder about:

• Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
• A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs. - (can anyone answer this one?)
• My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
• The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.(This is so true! Small town southern girls are the best! Yay Me!)
  
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat have become really good friends.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
• I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my jogging pants on fire!
  
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes.(This is true!)
• Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. (I am not so sure about this one, there are a few good men out there!)
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

Here are a few laws of sex, for those of you who need them. There are way too many to put in one post, but these are some of my favorites.

Laws of Sex:

• Sex has no calories. (Thank God!!!)
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex. (What I like to hear!)
  
• Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. (Sad, but true sometimes)
  
• Sex is dirty only if it's done right. (Hey! I must be doin' something right!)
  
• When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
• Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
• What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.(Mmmm?Maybe)
• Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
• Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. ( I have alot of experience on this one!)

Just passing along some funny stuff to my readers today. Hope everyone enjoys these:

• A rooster & a cat are walking over a bridge. The cat slips & falls in river. The rooster can’t stop laughing! What is the moral of the story? ------Wherever there’s a wet pussy, there’s a happy cock!
• *NEWSFLASH* Snow White has been chucked out of Disney Land. She was reported to have pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinocchio's face and shouted "LIE BASTARD LIE!"
• CUSTOMER NOTIFICATION!!!! As of August 1, 2008, Viagra will only be available by its chemical name, which was so appropriately named by the chemists who invented it. So please ask for “MYCOXAFLOPPIN” at your favorite pharmacy.
• Behind every SUCCESSFUL woman, there is a SATISFIED man, but behind every SATISFIED woman there is an EXHAUSTED man...
• When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
• CHINESE BUFFET MENU: **CHU SUM TWAT **SUCK MI PORK **LICK MI CLIT **TUNGSUM CHICK **GOO IN HAND **GULP SUM KUM **CHO KON IT*****ENJOY YOUR MEAL!*****

Listed below are actual scenarios that happened to real people. The "I" in each scenario does not refer to myself, but rather the person that actually told about each incident. The scary part is that these people are actually "walking among us" as you read this! Enjoy!

• I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charges. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
• I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one- get-one-free, ' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
• One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'
• While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
• I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'
• My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
• I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
• While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'