Meology

On the first day, God created the dog and told him:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and told him:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and told him:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And once again, God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said unto him:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man replied: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, AND the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Today, I am coming to you as "The Hot Sex Fairy" to bring you some extremely valuable information concerning your sex life. Enjoy.

• Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
• Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
• Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
• Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
• Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
• The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
• Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium.
• Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
• Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
• A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Dieting is something that I am always doing unsuccessfully. "The Skinny Bitch" is a book by Rory Reedman and Kim Barnouin. It is straight and to the point. It is reality. It is the cold hard truth to why many people are fat. But it is also fun and entertaining to read. Below is an excerpt from the book. WARNING! Don't read if you can't handle it!

Ok. Use your head. You need to get healthy if you want to get skinny. Healthy = skinny. Unhealthy = fat. The first thing you need to do is give up your gross vices. Don't act surprised! You cannot keep eating the same shit and expect to get skinny. Or smoke. So don't even try some pathetic excuse like, "But if I quit smoking, I'll gain weight." No one wants to hear it. Cigarettes are for losers. They are so 1989 and totally uncool. Not only do they screw up your whole body chemistry, but they also kill your taste buds. It's no wonder you eat shit and garbage. Smoking's out. Give it up. Of course it's easier to socialize after you've had a few drinks. But being a fat pig will hinder you, sober or drunk. And habitual drinking equals fat-pig syndrome. Beer is for frat boys, not skinny bitches. It makes you fat, bloated, and farty. Why do you think when kids go away to college they gain the "freshman fifteen"? Beer, duh. Alcohol isn't any better. It raises the level of hydrochloric acid in your stomach, wreking havoc on the digestive process. If you suffer from poor digesting, then your food will not pass through your body properly. Hence, bloated fat-pig syndrome. To make matters worse, some alcohol (and non-organic wines) still contains urethane, a cancer-causing chemical. To boot both beer and alcohol jack up your blood-sugar levels, which is bad for your bod. And don't kid yourself: When you have a hangover, you're bound to eat shit all day long. Trade your booze for organic red wind produced without sulfites. (Sulfites are additives-used in food and wine--to extend shelf life and fight bacteria growth. Asthma and allergic reactions can be triggered by sulfites. Even if wine is organic, that doesn't mean it is produced without sulfites. Read the label; it should say "No Sulfites Added" or "NSA". Frey Vineards makes organic, sulfite-free wines.) This magical elixir-organic red wine with NSA--is rich in cancer fighiting antioxidants, can reduce risk of stroke, helps thin the blood, and has flavonoids, which lower cholesterol. Yes, organic red wine is good for you. No, you should not dringk a bottle by yourself every day. Alcohol abuse can cause infertility, cancer, infectious diseases, cardiovascular diesase, shrinking of the cerebreal cortex, and alter brain-cell function. If you need help quitting drinking, call the Alcoholics Anonymous World Headquarters at (212) 870-3400 to find an AA meeting near you, or visit www.alcoholic-anonymous.org. Brace yourselves, girls: Soda is liquid Satan. It is the devil. It is garbage. There is nothing in soda that should be put into your body. For starters, soda's high levels of phosphorous can increase calcium loss from the body, as can its sodium and caffeine. You know what this means--bone loss, which may lead to osteoporosis. And the last time we checked, sugar, found in soda by the boatload, does not make you skinny! Now don't go patting youself on the back if you drink diet soda. That stuff is even worse. Aspartame (an ingredient commonly found in diet sodas and other sugar-free foods) has been blamed for a slew of scary maladies, like arthritis, birth defects, fibromyalgia, Hlzheimer's, lupus, multiple sclerosis, and diabetes. When methyl alcohol, a component of aspartame, enters your body, it turns into formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is toxic and carcinogenic (cancer-causing). Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant orpreservative. They don't fucking drink it. Perhaps you have a lumpy ass because you are preserving your fat cells with diet soda. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has received more complaints about aspartame than any other ingredient to date. Want more bad news? When aspartame is paired with carbs, it causes your brain to slow down its production of serotonin. A healthy level of serotonin is needed to be happy and well balanced. So drinking soda can make you fat, sick, and unhappy. Unless you're from Mars, you've heard about the "eight glasses of water a day" thing. If you're filling up on 16 ounces of liquid Satan at a time, chances are you're not getting your 64 ounces of water a day. Water is vital for keeping your body clean and detoxified. It literally flushes out all the shit and toxins your body stores from your horrendous diet. You might be fat because you don't poop enough. Drinking lots of water can help with the elimination process. If the taste of water bores you, try jazzing up the flavor with a slice of lemon or lime, or if you're feeling sassy, toss in a strawberry or raspberry. Say goodbye to soda and hello to a sweet ass.
"Don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee." Uhm...pathetic! Coffee is for pussies. Think about how widely accepted it has b ecome that people need coffee to wake up. If you can't wake up without it, it's either because you are either addicted to caffeine, sleep deprived, or a generally unhealthy slob. It may seem like the end of the world to give up your daily dose, especially if you rely on Starbucks as a good place to meet men. Bit it's not heroin, girls, and you'll learn to live without it. Caffeine can cause headaches, digestive problesm, irritation of the stomach and bladder, peptic ulcers, diarrhea, constipation, fatigue, anxiety, and depression. It affects every organ system, frome the nervous system to the skin. Caffeine raises stress hormone levels, inhibits importan enzyme systems that are responsible for cleaning the body, and sensitizes nerve reception sites. One study even links caffeine to an increased susceptibility to diabetes. Bud don't go grabbing for the decaf. Coffee, whether regular or decaf, is highly acidic. Acidic foods cause your body to produce fat cells, in order to keep the acid away from your organs. So coffee equals fat cells. P.S. It also makes your breathsmell like ass. Furthermore, coffee beans, like other crops, are grown with chemical pesticides. One insecticide, D-D-7, has been banned in the United States, but is still used by other countries from which we import coffee beans. So every single morning, you are starting your day with a dose of poison. Add sugar or other artificial sweeteners, top it off with milk or cream, and you'll be fat forever. If you enjoy an occasional cup of coffee, fine. But if you need it, give it up.

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THE SKINNY BITCH

The posts I make to my blog are never intended to offend anyone. Most of the stuff I post is just for laughs. Sometimes, reality can generate many laughs. I live in the south(USA) and I am a small town southern girl. And yes, I have a southern accent. And I am damn proud of it! Some find it cute, some find it annoying, and well, some just don't know what to think! Every city has a ghetto. People from many walks of life may live or may have grown up in a "ghetto" more than likely not by choice. The following is a ghetto spelling bee. These are terms you may hear in the ghetto. Or heck, you may even here them on Jeff Foxworthy. If you do not comprehend the meaning of any of the word, please leave me a comment and I will translate for you. Although I did not grow up in the ghetto, southern slang is just a part of life in the south, and some of this may be considered as such. Hope you enjoy and don't forget to laugh!

Do you know what happens to your money transactions through PayPal? What do you think about the E-Bay boycott or did you even know there was one this past week? Many sellers decided to boycott E-Bay due to new fee and policy changes that were recently implemented. One of the biggest concerns is that even though E-bay reduced listing fees, they increased final value sales fees. It is just like the government. They always claim they are lowering taxes, but they increase taxes in another area to make up for it. For example, in my state(SC), this year some of us were fortunate enough to have our property taxes lowered. This saved me about a hundred bucks on my home property taxes. However, the tax on food increased, so the government will get their money back. After all, you have all the people who rent and do not have to pay property taxes (except on vehicles)that buy groceries and have to pay the higher tax. It all evens out in the long run. And the internet giants are no different. Besides the E-Bay boycott, do you know what PayPal does with your money? Along the same lines, because many transactions through E-bay are handled by Paypal, they want to make as much profit as they can and they too have some new changes that customers are upset about. Next month, some new controversial changes will be rolled out. PayPal will hold "high risk transactions" for up to 21 days. Why so long? Because they earn interest on those payments and the longer they hold money in their account, the more interest they profit from. So one has to decide for themselves if a boycott is worth the trouble. How much investment a person has in their E-bay store(my ebay store) and are the profits worth the extra fees or worth having to wait for payment through Paypal. Some sellers have already moved to other sites. Below are articles you can read to find out more about this "scandal" that will probably get alot more attention in the near future.

TEQUILA CAKE....YUMMY!

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the tequila again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup
and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still
OK.
Try another cup... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.
Floor the friggen fried druit off up the pick.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
loose
with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, salt two cups of sift. Or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
No wait..shtrain the lemon juice and shift your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.


Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not
to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner!!
Finally, throw the friggin' bowl through the window.


Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

Last week, I baked a cake. Many people are probably thinking so what, who cares, people bake cakes everyday. Well, first of all, my name isn't Betty Crocker and I sure as hell ain't married to Duncan Hines. My baked goods usually come from the local grocery store bakery. Walmart, among other stores, do a pretty good job baking cakes and all the other good stuff that fattens you up. Back to my cake. I decided to bake a red velvet cake for a family member's birthday. We (me and my daughter) baked 8 layers for this cake, but only 6 of them would fit in the cake dome. All in all, it came out very good and my daughter was shocked! She actually liked it along with everybody else. Ha!!!! So I can bake thanks to Betty and Duncan! I use to think my mom was the best cook ever, until I grew up and started cooking myself. My mom is still great at baking though! A few weeks ago, she sent me a picture of a cupcake she made. A gigantic cupcake. Now, I guess my mind works and thinks just a bit differently than hers, but her gigantic cupcake looks a little explicit to me! And to top it off, she then tells me that she filled the middle of this masterpiece with "cream cheese pudding" of all things! Still laughing my ass off on this one!

Mom's version of a cupcake and then MY vision of it!

This is for all the ladies! Below is a letter written to tech support about the troubles of installing a husband. If you are a computer junkie, you will understand the whole thing. If you are not a computer junkie, skip over this post and go on to the next one. It is funny too.

• People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
• People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
• When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
• When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
• When people say while watching a movie "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
• People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
• When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
• When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
• When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Just about everyone has that favorite usually funny t-shirt they like to wear. For many, it is more than likely a shirt with a humorous saying on it. What does your favorite t-shirt say on it? Mine is a brown t-shirt that has this saying:


Would you like to create your own funny t-shirt? ShirtCity offers a chance for customers to create their own shirts, hats, jackets, underwear, items for children and babies, gifts, accessories and sportswear. You can add text or images to create your own unique style. Check out all the options at ShirtCity to learn how you can personally create your style and stand out in the crowd. Everyone will want to know where you got your shirt from!

We all know dieting is hard and in my last post I talked about losing weight. Sometimes we need a little inspiration and sometimes we need a little comedy. Here are a few dieting tips that I wish were true, but this is too funny not to share. Please be aware, these are, of course, not real tips for dieting, but instead is an alternative to dieting.