This is a quick post from the political world:
Earlier today, the federal government announced that it is
changing its emblem from the Eagle to a condom because it
more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys
the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.
It just doesn't get more accurate than that!
I have been sick the past week and haven't done a very good job making posts. Last week was busy. My youngest daughter was in a school pageant. She won the title of "Miss 6th Grade" which had her excited all weekend. This was her first pageant. She told me she wasn't going to be like her older sister and do pageants, but her friends convinced her to participate in this one. My oldest is 17 and graduating high school this year. I still cannot figure out how the hell I ever got this damn old! LOL! I just graduated high school yesterday myself, so surely I can't already have a daughter graduating! (Just kidding! I graduated in 1987) I am very proud of her, she has really focused hard on her school work and tried to be the best she can be. She is graduating as valedictorian of her class and will be off to college in the fall. My husband(who died 4 years ago) would be so very proud of her. And in honor of my late husband, I would like to share a few funny signs that remind me of him.
The note reads:
"SOMEONE FROM THE
GYNA COLLEGES
CALLED.
THEY SAID THE
PABST BEER IS
NORMAL.
I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW YOU LIKED
BEER."
Things You May Learn From Living In The South
- A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road
- If it grows, it'll stick ya; if it crawls, it'll bite cha
- You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH 'em!
- It is not a "shopping cart"-it's a "buggy"
- The first day of deer season is considered a southern holiday
- How to measure distance in minutes
- It is not unusual to switch from heat to A/C in the same day
- We know all four seasons as: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas
- We don't need no dang driver's ed! If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit!
- Fried catfish is the "other" white meat
- There are only five spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, Texas Pete and Tobasco
- Ice Tea is appropriate for all meals and we started drinking it when we were two. We also like a little tea with our sugar!
- Local newspapers cover national and international news on one page, but requires 6 pages for local gossip and motor sports.
A Few Southern Vocabulary Words
- "Onced" means "I done told you onced"
- "Twiced" means "don't make me tell ya twiced!"
- "Jaw-P" means "did y'all go to the bathroom"
- "Fixinto"- is one word and means "fixing to"
- "Jeet" means "Did ya eat?"
- "Naw. Jew?" is a common response to the question "Did you bring any beer?" and means "no, did you?"
- "Sumpn Teet" means "Do you want something to eat?"
- "Hey" means "hello" and is not the same as "hay"
- "Ya'll or Y'all" means "all of you people"
Though there are many more Southern slang words, these are just a few I thought might needed to be translated. I reserve the right to add to this list words as I see fit. All comments welcome.
Would you like to know the meaning of these words?
Squigger
Woowad
Blooblehead
Pillsburglar
and a few more you never heard of!
Visit SNIGLETS at Scrappin"!
This week, I am going to try to make a few posts about me and daily things going on with me or my kids. Don't get me wrong, some of it will still be funny! After all, this blog is called "Meology" so I must write about myself sometime!! Until then, enjoy these unique questions and great answers!
Q:WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
A: because they are plugged into a genius
(this is why men NEED alot sex ladies!!!Ever hear the phrase "Behind every successful man, is a successful women"?? Be successful in pleasing your man. Amen.)
Q:WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
A: they do not have enough time-they will miss the main event
Q:WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
A: the freakin' idoits don't stop to ask directions
Q:WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
A: because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock
(You're laughing your ass off now, aren't you?!?!)
Q:WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
A: so they won't go around humping women's legs in public
Q:WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
A: because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
(No matter how many energizer bunny batteries you put in that jack rabbit vibrator,
it still won't mow the damn lawn!)
Q:WHY DO ONLY 10% OF MEN MAKE IT TO HEAVEN?
A: because if they all went, it would be Hell
My attention will be focused on one of my most popular blogs(The Spiral Staircase:Live Drug Free) for the next few days, but I will also try to post something here, no matter how small it may be. I am leaving my readers and fans a little something to wonder about. Please feel free to leave comments. I will not be giving you a solution to this scenario, but rather I am asking that if you would like to know the answer, please email me with your guess and I will give you the answer. Leaving a comment is fine, but I cannot respond to you without a return email. I will never share your email, promise. This is just for fun.
Imagine you are on a horse....................
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off,
and on your left side is an elephant
traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo
and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion, running at the same speed as you
and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
ardnas69@bellsouth.net
On the first day, God created the dog and told him:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and told him:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and told him:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And once again, God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said unto him:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man replied: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, AND the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
Today, I am coming to you as "The Hot Sex Fairy" to bring you some extremely valuable information concerning your sex life. Enjoy.
- Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
- Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
- Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
- Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
- Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
- The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
- Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium.
- Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
- Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
- A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
You are encouraged to inform all of your friends why sex can be good for them. This is a health issue that is worth sharing. Not sharing means you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! (yes, ok, it is a joke) Because I am not a doctor, just a sex fairy, there is no need to send me money for this information, as the fate of your genitals has no price. However, not following the tips given may cause you to have to see a doctor, but let's hope not. Now, excuse me while I go make a "booty call" -after all, I need my beauty treatment too.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we peed our pants everytime we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more??????
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right! Bite me, twice! Bastards!
Links For Women:
Pregnancy without The Pounds
Bacterial Vaginosis Gone Forever
Cure Your Yeast Infection Naturally & Permanently
Totally Tranquil Stress Relief Program